Losing a spouse is an indescribably difficult experience, and the impact goes far beyond emotional pain. In fact, the Institute of Medicine (US) cites the loss of one’s spouse as the single most devastating, life-altering loss that a human being could be faced with, according to the “social readjustment rating scale.” A widow or widower suddenly finds themselves navigating a multitude of roles that were once shared with their partner, while simultaneously being immersed in a terrifying new world that they no longer recognize or understand. To put it most accurately, spousal loss is an identity-shattering experience. The widow(er) is placed in a position to grieve not only their romantic partner, but their best friend, family member, future, and even the person that the widow was before the loss.
What’s more: the spouse of a deceased person is the most likely candidate to be named as funeral planner and the executor of their spouse’s estate. To many, the responsibilities associated with such roles can feel like declaring their life partner legally dead. The subsequent grief, guilt, and agony cannot be overstated.
From estate settlement to funeral planning and every double standard that no widow sees coming, the responsibilities can be overwhelming. In this article, we delve into the unique challenges faced by widows and widowers. We do so through the experiential lens of Emily Cave Boit, who in 2020 lost her husband, NHL star Colby Cave, to a rare brain tumour, and the advice she has for others who find themselves in similar circumstances.
As part of a long-term and committed relationship, the widow’s future plans and life are forever intertwined and changed by the death of their partner. They often find themselves taking on multiple roles, including executor/administrator, funeral planner, emergency contact, financial manager, household caretaker, and provider of emotional support to family and friends.
In taking on such an extensive role after the loss, it’s common for widows to be or feel highly criticized. The situation is further complicated when the loss of a spouse takes place publicly, or if the spouse was a public figure. Due to the widow(er)’s grief being widely available to view in some cases, strangers can feel it’s their place to voice opinions on how the widow is “handling” the loss of their spouse. Some will say that a widow is supposed to “move on,” or when the widow does find love again, that they’re somehow dishonoring the deceased spouse in doing so. The reality is this: the widow will move forward, not on. Sometimes that encompasses falling in love and remarrying—other times, that’s not the path the widow(er) chooses.
“You’re damned if you do, and you’re damned if you don’t.”
Whether or not they find love again, or the speed of which they do so, can often subject widows to discourse about their own life that can be profoundly painful. A double standard arises for widow(er)s that can leak into more personal elements of their grief. Widow(er)s begin to question if they’re appearing too happy, too sad, are integrating too slowly or quickly back into everyday life, or deviating from a “normal” that simply doesn’t exist.
While stressing that an overwhelming amount of public input has been positive, Emily noted how difficult it’s been to ignore the hateful remarks and criticism directed towards her. The double standard, and the subsequent implications of being criticized for navigating their “new normal,” is just one of many internal battles that a widow will fight after the death of their spouse.
“The way that they brush their teeth, or smile, or even sit on the toilet [laughs]… it’s the smallest things that you take for granted, or think are weird or gross or whatever— those are the unique things that are a part of everyday life with your person that you miss.”
Addressing the concept of the "new normal," Emily shared the understated difficulties faced during day-to-day activities such as eating alone, doing household chores, and encountering reminders of her husband. She emphasized the profound impact of the small things that are often taken for granted in a relationship.
Furthermore, she shed light on the complex emotional journey of a widow, who not only grapples with personal grief but also becomes a source of emotional support for others. The widow(er) is frequently seen as the primary point of contact for not only logistical challenges related to the deceased, but the keeper of most recent stories and significant life events as well. It’s common for widows to experience a loss of identity. As their grief becomes an integral part of their day-to-day life, it can be challenging to separate from their personality. As Emily states:
“If only people were privy to the amount of work that being a spouse takes, because it's also a reputational thing. You feel like you're walking on eggshells everywhere you go because it's like, what you do now reflects on your spouse. You sort of lose your individuality on top of everything else— you’re re-named. I was no longer just Emily, it was a huge thing: Colby Cave’s Widow, Colby Cave’s Widow, Colby Cave’s Widow. You're kind of under this label, while thinking, “But I'm also like this, or I'm also this type of person.”
Reflecting on the funeral planning process, Emily revealed that the delayed funeral due to external circumstances made the experience particularly unique. However, one aspect that stands out to her is the lack of information provided regarding the cremation process. Having been 25 when her husband passed away, she expressed a wish to have been informed about the option to dress her husband before the cremation. She emphasized the need for more detailed explanations about cremation and burial processes, especially for younger individuals.
“One thing, and it still haunts me, is that I didn't cremate him in his favorite outfit. I just didn't think about that. Our funeral director told us to bring some of his favorite things, so I brought one of our wedding pictures and I brought one of [their dog] Chester's blankets. I remember waking up in the middle of the night months later and being like, oh my God, I didn't cremate him in his favorite outfit. I actually didn’t even know what a crematory looked like, or what would happen, so I was Googling all of that before he was cremated. Maybe older people have a better understanding of that, but I think it would be helpful for younger people to be briefed on these things before they happen.”
Discussing the emergency contact role, Emily stressed the importance of documenting medical decisions and having conversations with your spouse, which could prove vital in the event of a medical emergency. She also highlighted the misconception surrounding post-death finances, debunking the idea that it's a simple matter of signing a check and receiving the funds. The reality involves extensive paperwork and forms, adding to the emotional burden of the situation.
“I think the number one thing, and I will say it to my dying day, is to have a will. I don't care how old you are, have a will, because it takes off so much pressure on the widow and widower. Also, have passwords stored where your spouse can access them.”
The estate settlement process can be overwhelming for anyone who has lost their spouse. When asked about this process, Emily emphasized the importance of having a will and ensuring that passwords are easily accessible to the surviving spouse. She highlighted the significance of these details, recalling how having access to one of her husband's digital accounts also granted her access to more critical accounts, ultimately aiding her during a challenging time.
It's crucial for friends and family to understand the varied responses of widows and widowers to their loss. Whether the loss is sudden or anticipated, the need for consistent support remains unchanged. Acknowledging the complexity of spousal loss is a key element to helping the widow or widower feel seen, understood, and free to grieve as their heart requires.
“I didn’t realize this until I was deeply entrenched in my own grief—I was trying to be there for his friends, his teammates, for family, even for the media—where it wasn’t until a year later when speaking to my therapist, that I realized all of the things going on were a huge distraction. When I started to crash, I was called selfish for taking care of myself and my own grief. I was running on adrenaline at the beginning, and by the time I started truly looking after myself, I just couldn’t support anybody else for a little while. And what I wish I heard more, was that that’s okay.”
In an experience that’s slightly less unique to spousal loss, Emily highlights how crucial it is for family and friends of the widow to remain supportive long after the loss. Being conscientious about concentrating support more evenly across the first year and beyond can be instrumental in helping the widow ease into the readjustment period.
“I think at the beginning, it’s really common to feel smothered by the people around you. It’s just so much, all at once, and eventually that slows down in a way that feels all of a sudden. The smothering itself was tricky sometimes because it can feel like not having a lot of time to process, and then when it stopped it was sort of like, “Oh my gosh, I was lonely, but now I feel alone.” Even if it wasn’t true, just because the massive outpour of support feels like it dies down so suddenly.”
The experience of a widow or widower is complex and multifaceted, encompassing emotional, logistical, and societal challenges. It is essential for society to recognize and empathize with the diverse struggles faced by those who have lost their spouses, and to provide meaningful support that extends beyond the immediate aftermath of the loss. Grief and joy can coexist, and it's important to acknowledge and honor each individual's unique journey through the process of healing.
If you are a widow or widower reading this, Emily has one final message for you:
“Be more aware of your emotions and what YOU need, not what other people need. It’s kind of like that cliche saying: you can’t fill up other people’s cup when your own is empty. So when you’re in the rat race, and you want to do it for your spouse, or maybe survivor’s guilt is making you feel like you have to do it for them: remember that your own spouse would tell you that you are the most important person in your own grief journey.”
Interview with Emily Cave Boit
